It really is. There’s never a right time for it to come about. And the worst thing about betrayal is it comes from those who you love the most.
You can give someone everything – give them hope, real love, a future; bring them back from the brink of giving up; promise them everything they’ve ever dreamed of – but they can still betray you. You can’t control someone’s loyalty. Some day or another, I guess I’ll realize it had nothing to do with me. You were selfish or greedy and you sure as hell didn’t appreciate me when you had me in your life.
I can’t say it was always like that. I know you did love me at one point. You would tell me as often as you could and I could see the happiness sweeping across your face as you did so. The content you would feel when I got in beside you in your car and you could rest your left hand on my right leg. The warmth you’d bring me in a hug when we had to queue at the cinema for nachos and a hot dog and it had been windy or raining. The way you always made sure you were on the left side of me to hold my hand while walking and avoid knocking my handbag. Sometimes you’d even bring our holding hands to your lips as we walked and kiss mine with the gentlest kiss. It always made me feel special. You knew how to do that really well. We went on adventures in all weathers and did the most inane things with the biggest smiles. We enjoyed our time together and the hours would pass like seconds. Looking back on the past year, I now question it. Was any of it real? Were they just words you repeated again and again for the sake of it – and to who else? Were you only discovering things with me? Did you ever love me at all? Do you even know what love is?
I gave you all of me. My secrets and imperfections and flaws were all open to you. You saw it all. You never really gave yourself to me in the same way. Some might say I blinded by your lies and the way you always made me feel sorry for you in a way I thought I was getting to know the real you but it wasn’t like that at all. You were just trying to pull me in and pull me closer without coming any nearer. You promised me roses but you only held thorns.
But the very worst thing in all of this isn’t the betrayal. It’s the fact I’ve lost my best friend. Someone I trusted and someone I loved incredibly deeply. You were my everything. I’d only have to think of something about you and I would be smiling for the entire day. I gave myself to you in a way I had never given myself to anyone. I discovered things I never even knew about myself through meeting you. You gave me so much love at one point and now it’s completely erased. When I met you, I was a completely different person. I wasn’t happy and I couldn’t take a joke and I felt this sadness in me I never could really explain. You gave me life. A meaning to wake up in the morning and feel happy. I guess I’m forever changed in the opposite way again. I think of you and I only feel loss. I feel hate. I feel sadness.
You want to talk about things and explain and yet there are no words you could say to take away my hurt. Somewhere along the way, I shouldn’t have forgotten I’m the only one responsible for my happiness. I need to remember that again. I’ll miss the person you used to be and even though I can’t have you in my life in the same way anymore, please know I forgive you. You know I’m not a bitter person and I won’t start becoming bitter because of you. I forgive you for hurting me and I forgive myself for ever trusting you. I’ve promised myself I’m going to move on, love better and do better – and I hope to God no one betrays me like you did ever again.